Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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