my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
