I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
