I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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