saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
