I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
