um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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