There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
