In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
