My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
