is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
