things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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