Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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