did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
