I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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