is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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