Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
