If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
