I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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