He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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