i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
These tits shall not be calmed
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
