Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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