Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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