so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
