Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
