OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
