I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
