Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she looked like the before picture.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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