I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
