So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
