Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
