I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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