The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
