I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
