he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
