I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it's like iHOP with fire
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
