Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
