Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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