You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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