i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
