i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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