Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
