thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We had to coat check the pizza.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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