I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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