I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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