JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We named our party play list daddy issues
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
