I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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