So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
