Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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