Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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