remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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