FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
