What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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