The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
