I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if only i could text you this smell
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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