I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
this is an emotional support booty call
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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