This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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